(EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks to a person who was most likely in a position to know, what follows is a transcript from a secret meeting this past weekend at the Incredibly Golden Meeting Room at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida. Plans for Trump’s new social media platform TRUTH Social were discussed. The conversation follows …)
DONALD TRUMP: I just want to thank everybody for attending this incredibly important meeting about how I plan to take over social media with a brand new, tremendous company that will eat those rotten son of a bitches at Facebook and Twitter alive.
<A loud snort is heard in the room>
TRUMP: Who was that?????? Who snorted after my incredibly beautiful opening statement??????
STEPHEN MILLER: I will find them, Fuhrer. Then I will eliminate them in the most heinous means possible. Nobody insults my mine dear Fuhrer like that!
TRUMP: Easy, Stephen. Maybe somebody just has some terrifically bad allergies. But it better not happen again.
MILLER: Ya, Fuhrer.
ERIC TRUMP: I have to go potty, dad.
TRUMP: Potty??? We just sat down!
ERIC TRUMP: Yeah. One of the member’s kids had an all-you-can-drink lemonade stand set up in front of his condo, so I wanted to teach her a lesson that you don’t pull that crap unless you are gonna cut the family in. I showed her. Drank four gallons of her crappy lemonade for $3.
TRUMP: Jesus. Go ahead, but get back here as a quick as you can. And wash those grubby hands when yer done.
ERIC TRUMP: Done what?
TRUMP: GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!
IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for 36 seconds>
TRUMP: Well, I know that, bumble bee. It’s just that the kid isn’t right. Never has been. Hard to believe he even came from me. Maybe he didn’t. I wish he didn’t. He couldn’t have …
IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for seven seconds>
TRUMP: OK, OK, yer right, smoke-thumper. There are bigger fish to fry. And let me just say your legs look endlessly delicious today. I could drive right up ’em and get lost for hours …
STEVE BANNON INTERRUPTS: Er, sir, maybe we should talk about this grand platform you will be rolling out to control all messaging around the world for everything?
TRUMP: Right, right … Just got distracted there a little. Why I didn’t marry that girl I never understand …
BANNON: Because she’s yer daughter, sir?
TRUMP: Oh yeah … that’s right … Damn. Anyway, yes, thanks to my expert collaboration with important, brilliant people who live outside Silicon Valley, we were able to come to an agreement to launch a brand new, beautiful high-end app in which I can get my incredibly, terrific messaging out to everybody, so they can easily send me money at anytime during the day.
DONALD TRUMP JR. <sniffing>: What’ll it be named, dad?
TRUMP: TRUMP Social!!!
BANNON: Er, that’s TRUTH Social, sir. TRUTH Social …
TRUMP: Ah. Yeah. Right … Truth social, Trump social … Same thing.
<Another loud snort is heard in the room>
TRUMP: OK, who did that?????? Come clean???? Who’s snorting at all my amazing ideas???
MILLER: It is time to administer my new truth-telling ointment to all participants in this room, Fuhrer. By simply rubbing this oily, creamy substance on a person’s rectum we can know immediately who the traitor is in the room. If their rectum turns purple, we’ve got them! I have been experimenting with this for years now, and with many rectums, and am now ready to take it to mass market. It works like a charm. Can I begin the procedure now with everybody’s rectum, Fuhrer? We will find the traitor! And it will be fun!
<Room goes completely silent for 42 seconds>
<I mean, you can literally hear a pin drop>
TRUMP: Er, ummm … Thank you, Stephen. Umm, let’s hold off on this for now. I think there is some pollen in the room or something and it is causing people to snort. But, ummm, thank you … Now where were we?
BANNON: You were going to tell us about TRUTH Social, sir. About how these communication tactics were used by the Nazis as they began slow-rolling through Europe in the 1930s on their way toward their global dominance, before blowing it at the end by being too nice … You can never be nice. I think we’ve learned that after the 2020 campaign. We should have let the virus kill as many people as possible.
TRUMP: I thought that’s what we were doing???
BANNON: It was still a missed opportunity, sir. We could have pushed Lysol a little harder. I know you did your best, but, and excuse me for saying this, you weren’t quite convincing enough. I blame the scarf lady.
TRUMP: Yeah, she ended up being a major disappointment. She was pretty hot for an old broad, too. I had faith I could make her see things my way, if you know what I mean …
IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for 11 seconds>
BANNON: What is she is saying??? Can anybody else hear her?
TRUMP: I can, fire face. And if you interrupt her again, I’ll turn Stephen on you with his cream.
MILLER: YA! YA! YA! There is nothing more exciting than rectum cream. Can I start now, Fuhrer??!!!!
BANNON: Keep that thing away from me … Look, I’m sorry, sir. I am sure Ivanka is imparting some crucial information that only you are privy to.
TRUMP: That’s better. Now can you repeat that, cuddle-thumper?
IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for 46 seconds>
TRUMP: You think Bezos will go for it? We’ve had some falling out in recent years. I know Rupert would be in. Besides he owes me after giving Arizona to Lying Biden.
BANNON: What’s the plan?
TRUMP: We’ll launch a Trump Truth Satellite into space on one of Bezo’s rockets! For only $49 a month, people will get live Trump Truth continually beamed to their phones. The more Trump Truth the more money! Brilliant, Ivanka! Just brilliant!!! Why, I could crawl right up yer …
<Eric returns …>
ERIC: Well, I feel better! Hey, what’s this creamy stuff?! Can you eat it??? I’m gonna give it a try!!!!!
<DEAD SILENCE FOR THREE HOURS …>