Last summer I was whirling around the Internet, both hands firmly on the Ferris Wheel, and searching for an answer to this question: How in the world was a narcissistic lowlife like Donald J. Trump somehow within reach of the most powerful office in the world? Who votes for this? (OK, two questions.)
It was right around the time of the “Up With White People” convention at Cleveland’s aptly named Quicken Loans Arena. My word, the ugliness being peddled at that place had all the ruthlessness and bad intent of a quickie payday loan.
Of course the white people who came running in from all parts of Trump Country ate it up and gleefully spit it all over themselves. The nightly “lock her up” chants were always the show-stoppers. I mean, you really haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed 17,000 people getting their holler up and bellowing at the top of their tobacco-singed lungs for a white gal to be thrown in jail for fucking up her emails.
Glorious times for the Republican Party.
By the time they got to their man on the final day, I had decided the least loathsome thing about this phony was he genuinely lacked any command of literally any fact, and really was not a very smart fella at all. And he did it all so effortlessly, and with glee. Boy, did it play well at the good ol’ Quicken Loans!
Anyway, my spin on the Internet took me to an old friend, and an ardent supporter of Trump. After some niceties about where-in-the-hell has the time gone, and, yes, everything hurts these days, I bluntly jumped in and asked straight up what it was that had her burning orange. What was it about The Overcompensator that had her so damn ready to recklessly throw her vote away?
Her answer stopped my search engine cold: “I am voting Trump because unlike Obama and Hillary, I think he truly loves his country. I really, really believe that.”
After climbed out of the ditch, and dusting myself off, I believe I shot back with something strong and straight like, “Er, OK …”
We haven’t talked much since, but I actually have come to believe she is right about this. I do believe Trump “truly loves his country.” Before driving into your own ditch, stay with me here.
In Donald Trump’s country, the rich play by another set of rules, don’t pay taxes, and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves. What’s not to love?
In Donald Trump’s country, women are not-so-bright shiny objects that can be grabbed with one little hand and held down with the other.
In Donald Trump’s country, prisoners of war and veterans can be called “weak” and “cowards” by multiple draft-dodgers like … Donald Trump.
In Donald Trump’s country, patriotism is a for-profit enterprise. If the exchange rate is good for sleeping with a cold-blooded killer like Putin, well, small price to pay.
In Donald Trump’s country, people of color — I mean, besides orange and white — are not to be trusted and are most likely potential murderers and rapists.
In Donald Trump’s country, the laws and judiciary are to be spurned or cheated, unless they somehow can be manipulated to protect his corrupt enterprise.
In Donald Trump’s country, the working press are liars and “among the most dishonest human beings on Earth.” A degenerate like Steve Bannon is truth.
In Donald Trump’s country, entire political parties WILL fall in line and WILL double down on all the president’s bombastic double talk (alternative facts), or there will be 140 characters of hell to pay on Twitter.
In Donald Trump’s country, climate change is a hoax and regulations to protect our air, water, animals, open spaces and children are to be urinated on, so some tasteless golden tower can be built to blot out the sun.
And so on.
As I type this, Trump is within a long-arm’s length of treason. He has already had to knock a three-star general off the ledge to temporarily preserve his crumbling kingdom. And what a kingdom. In three-plus weeks he has haphazardly thrown together a house of cheap cards that looks and runs like so much of the bullshit he “built” under the name of his bullshit brand in his bullshit country — the cozy, secluded place he loves so damn much. The golden tower.
Now that he has somehow ascended to the top of Capitol Hill, Trump’s biggest problem is he no longer lives in the country he loves, he lives in ours. He works for us now.
So my friend was right. Trump does love his country, and we need to send him back there just as soon as we can.
We’ll even throw in a giant wall to make sure he stays there.