As soon as Donald Trump got to Japan Saturday, he made Prime Minister Shinzo Abe sign hats. “There is nothing in the world that could be more important right now,” he said. -Washington Post photo
THE WHITE HOUSE
Sunday, November 5, 2017, 11:31 p.m., Japan Time
Good Evening Loyal Supporters!
As you know I am on a very important trip to The Overseas right now. I have been told this is the most terrifically important voyage any president has ever made to The Overseas. Never in the history in the world have we needed a person like me to go to The Overseas and let everybody know that America is still in charge of everything. It will be a relief to them. So that’s what I’ll be doing. I will also be in South Korea staring directly at North Korea. I will not be going to the TMZ, though. I wanted to, but everybody told me that because I am so tall, I would make an easy target for their nuclear missiles. So rather than duck all day, I will probably stay behind enemy lines and just tweet strategically to my 327 million followers about how awful Hillary still is.
And no worries, folks, I am committed to putting her behind bars for her treasonous behavior during the campaign. She’s an awful, disgusting person which is why I beat her to a pulp in a landslide, and despite what anybody says in the lying, stinking, awful media I won by about five million votes. You know it, I know it and Hillary knows it. So when I can free up my schedule, which is very, very busy, folks, I’ll work to make sure she is locked up. But really, because I am so incredibly busy I never hardly think about her.
And I am sure you wondered why I said good evening when most of you are reading this Very Important Letter in the morning. Well, I actually am almost in tomorrow already over hear because Air Force One can speed past time and take us into tomorrow already. It’s really amazing. I still feel like I am in today, but I am actually in tomorrow. I love science, as you know.
I am also very excited about this important trip because I will finally get a chance to visit Vietnam. I always wanted to get there but never had the opportunity. I want to visit all the important places where our military won this war. As you know General McCartney did a great, great job here and I hope to visit his grave. I’m sure it will be very emotional. But I won’t cry, folks, because as you know I am not a baby. My father Fred used to say all the time, “Donny, just shut up already and stop acting like a baby.” Well, as you can imagine, that meant a lot to me.
The Japanese have also been very, very nice to me — so nice … They love me so much they bow to me. I have been told this is the first time this has ever happened, so I am very honored. I hope when I am finally able to shove people back into the coal mines, lower my taxes drastically, and take away their healthcare, the good, loyal people in Appalachia will start bowing to me. I will deserve it. I mean, I already do deserve it, so I am little disappointed they aren’t bowing yet. But they will. They will.
I am also pleased to announce the Mueller investigation is over. Maybe now I can start building that wall. Did you know China has a wall? It really is spectacular. I haven’t seen it yet. But I can’t wait. I here it is pretty old and in need of work, but that’s OK, at least they have a wall, and no Mexicans have got into their country in a while now. That is very important.
Anyway, what a waste of time this stupid Russia crap was. Some guys named Manafort, Davis and Popadoppadappa say they spent a lot of money in Russia and that they there were in a few meetings with me. So what? There’s always people in meetings with me. I don’t notice most of them because what they say doesn’t matter. It only matters what I say. So right there you can see that I was innocent. Everybody knows I don’t listen to anybody. If there was one person I might listen to it is Putin. People hate it when I say that, but let’s face it, he does a great, great job in Russia. This is why I have decided to visit him while I am here. He can help me lead you back there.
And of course the lying, stupid awful, disgusting media reported that I was throwing a fit in the White House when Mueller announced he was arresting Popodacka and the rest. This made me angry so I called the New York Times to tell them that everything is fine. I had a very nice, gracious call with them, and they wrote a very nice story telling everybody that I called them and everything was fine. I mean, come on folks, if you can’t believe the New York Times, who can you believe? Which is why I called them.
Well, because tomorrow is almost over and you are just beginning yesterday, I have to end this very, very important letter tonight.
Your Great Leader,
Donald J. Trump
