(EDITOR’S NOTE: The discussions of a July 13, high-level planning session in the Oval Office that set in motion Trump’s racist, Ku Klux Klan-infused tweets this week were leaked to us by a source who most likely exists inside the Trump White House. This source, who’s name we haven’t made up yet, turned over the audio of this conversation under the agreement we do not make up her name publicly. So we won’t. The transcript of the conversation that almost certainly happened follows …)
Donald Trump: “Thank you all for being here in my first-ever, greatest, terrific Make America Greater Than It Has Ever Been For The White People Who Really Matter Campaign strategy session. I brought you together today because I value your opinions.”
Mick Mulvaney: “Thank you.”
Trump: “Shut up, Nick.”
Mulvaney: “It’s ‘Mick,’ sir.”
Trump: “I don’t care what it is. Shut it.”
Mulvaney: “Yes, sir, I know.”
Ivanka Trump: <30 seconds of inaudible murmuring …>
Trump: “Thank you so, so much, Ivanka. So, so much … You look … if you don’t mind me saying … very, very hot today, honey. Is that bra too tight?”
Ivanka: <23 seconds of inaudible murmuring …>
Mulvaney: “Can anybody else hear her? I can’t hear a single word she’s saying!!”
Trump: “Shut up, Rick.”
Mulvaney: “Yes, sir.”
Ivanka: <11 seconds of inaudible murmuring, followed by a gasp.>
Trump: “Maybe later, sweetie. I just ate. Now where was I, before Dick so rudely interrupted me?”
Stephen Miller: “You were talking about making America greater and mightier and more powerful than it’s ever been, fuhrer!”
Trump: “Thank you, Stephen.”
Miller: “Ya, fuhrer.
Trump: “As you know I am very, very angry and not at all happy with these goddam, fucking colored bitches who don’t like me at all, and …”
Mike Pence <interrupts>: “Now, now, Mr. Trump, I am not sure we have to be that direct with our helpful, semi-hateful but spiritually truthful language of God. We can tone it down, disguise it, and it will have the same affect on our voters, who will follow every single order you give them no matter what.”
Trump: “Mike? Is that you?”
Pence: “Er, yes sir, it is.”
Trump: “I can’t see you. Where are you?”
Pence: “I am right here, sir. In the chair in front of your ultra-white curtains , sir!”
Trump: “Oh! THERE you are, Mike! Couldn’t see you in front of those curtains. David Duke gave those to me. Terrific guy. You blend right in! So what would you advise, Mike?”
Pence: “I would just be very polite and Bible-like in exerting our white, almighty Christian power and supremacy over everybody in America. No need to name-call, unless of course … ”
Trump <interrupts>: “OK, thanks, Mike. I disagree. My followers love it when I am direct and exert my supremacy over them and everybody else. They want me to say over and over again whatever comes out of my sensational brain.”
Miller: “Ya, fuhrer. Ya! You are brilliant and always strike just the right tone. Your followers pick up on it immediately and love you for it.”
Trump: “Thank you, Stephen. Such a smart boy. A shame my ‘real’ boy, Eric, wasn’t more like you. He’s such a disappointment. Though, I do have high hope for the little one I had with Melanie.”
Mulvaney: “Melania, sir.”
Trump: “Shut up, Rick.”
Mulvaney: “Yes, sir.”
Ivanka: <seven seconds of inaudible murmuring>
Trump: “Ahhh! That’s right, Barron! Thanks, Ivanka. Haven’t seen ’em for nine weeks, so I have trouble with his name sometimes. But I always remember your name, luscious …”
<dead silence in the room>
Pence: <clears throat> “Maybe there is some middle ground where we can stake out our clean, healthy Christian messaging.”
Trump: “Like what?”
Pence: “Stephen? Maybe you have a suggestion?”
Miller: “Nothing has ever worked better than telling these disgusting, brown, empire-hating people to go back to the shit hole, slimy loser places where they crawled in from. Our cult followers … I mean, ‘supporters’ lap that kind of powerful talk up.”
Pence: “I’m not so …”
Trump <interrupting>: “This is brilliant! I have so, so, so been wanting to say this ever since my record-breaking inauguration!”
Miller: “Ya, fuhrer! YA!!!”
Ivanka: <11 seconds of inaudible murmuring …>
Mulvaney <quietly to himself>: “I just can’t hear her …”
Trump: “I love that idea, Ivanka. And it goes so well with that perfume. What is that? It smells like the locker room of a beauty contest. So fresh … so risky …”
Ivanka: <14 seconds of inaudible murmuring>
Trump: “Ahhhh … you really know how to wind me up, doll-face. Can’t wait till we’re finished here, so we can, umm, discuss this further … Say, is Jeffrey still out of jail? Maybe we can make it a threesome. Roll the dice a little …”
<complete and utter dead silence in the room>
< utter dead silence in the room>
<dead silence in the room>
<silence in the room>
Pence <clearing throat>: “Maybe we should move away from this productive Christian counseling and very interesting sexual innuendo and get back to this ‘go back where they came from’ campaign?”
Trump: “I can’t help it if I have the sexual innuendo of a man half my age, Mike. It’s very, very unfair to me that I am not always allowed to act on my incredibly strong impulses. I have to hold them in all the time. Most men don’t have my impulse problems, but they complain anyway like babies. Let me remind you I am not a baby.”
Pence: “No you are not, Mr. Trump. You are bigger than a baby.”
Trump: “Thank you, Mike. … Wait a minute … Don’t be a wise guy. I keep you around here because you generally keep yer yap shut. Yer treading on thin water, though — like Jesus did when he walked across the Nile.”
Pence: “Ummm … Yes, sir. I send my apologies to you and your entire, great Christian family.”
Trump: “Nick, you going to say something or just sit over there and look like Harry Potter all day???”
Mulvaney: “I didn’t think you wanted my input.”
Trump: “You think I hired you as my Secretary of State to say nothing???”
Mulvaney: “Chief of Staff, Mr. President. I am your Chief of Staff.”
Trump: “Yer an idiot is what you are.”
Mulvaney: “Thank you, sir.”
Trump: “So are we in agreement that tomorrow I will start tweeting out our “go back to where you came from” campaign to all the disgusting colored people who have been so mean to me?”
Miller: “Ya fuhrer! Ya fuhrer! I am so excited I might mix some gin with my embalming fluid tonight!”
Ivanka: <49 seconds of inaudible murmuring>
Trump: “I know, I know, honey … I know he looks like he hasn’t slept for eight months, but Stephen is an excitable boy sometimes. You might want to tone it down a little, Stephen, you are scaring the shit out of my darling Ivanka, and frankly me a little bit.”
Miller: “Sorry, fuhrer. Your Aryan instincts send shivers down my curved spine and into … ”
Trump <interrupting>: “OK, OK! Jesus, Stephen, we get it, OK?”
Miller: “Ya, fuhrer.”
Trump: “OK, let’s get started. Ivanka? Go through my pockets, hand me my phone, and schedule a rally for North Carolina. I have another line I want to try out …”
