THE WHITE HOUSE
Sunday, July 28, 2019, 5:37 a.m.
Dear Americans Who Are Loyal to My Piece of Prosperity!
First, I want to start my Very Important Letter to you on this immaculate reception, holy Sunday by saying that while the devious, coward, lying, witch hunter Robert Mueller said he didn’t ejaculate me during his sleepy, awful testimony in the capital Wednesday, it simply doesn’t matter. All that matters is my personal attorney, Bill Barr, did ejaculate me in March. And because my attorney is also the United States of America’s attorney, that’s all that matters. Cased closed.
Let me also say it was an honor to be ejaculated by him. I guarantee you Obama was never ejaculated by his personal attorney. And he shouldn’t have been, given he wasn’t even born here. Anyway, Bill has told me he would be happy to ‘exculpate’ me anytime, but because of my great vocabulary I know that word doesn’t even exist. He’s such a kidder. Anyway, I have joked to him he’s the Great Ejaculator. He didn’t seem to like that joke much but Stephen got a real kick out of it.
I also have to say that ever since Barr ejaculated me, I have never felt better and happier. I knew I should be ejaculated and once I was, it felt terrific, folks. So thank you for letting me say that. As if you could stop me.
So that will be the end of all this Russia talk. I have told Nancy Pelosi if she orders impeachment she won’t be ejaculated by the Great Ejaculator and will be tried as an enemy of the state. I’m not going to put up with it. I have too many minorities to insult in the run-up to the elections.
Not that I am at all worried about impeachment, mind you. In fact, I think this is the first time I have ever even thought about it. I heard something about impeachment proceedings being started Friday, but Sean told me it was nothing to worry about. But, of course, I told him that I wasn’t worried about it anyway, and not to worry about worrying about me if impeachment was started, because it won’t be, and it is nothing to worry about. So don’t you worry about me, America, because I guarantee you I won’t be worrying about you. Thanks.
And because now we know Russia had nothing to do with the elections that saw me win in a massive landslide, I have ordered Mitch McConnell to throw away any bills in the Senate that have to do with protecting our voting booths, which all still work just fine. And if you see a Russian hanging out at your voting booth don’t bother calling the FBI. I didn’t, and I got ejaculated for it.
And listen, Americans, my God, Vlad assured me in Helsinki they had nothing to do with our elections. I told everybody this in a powerful speech I gave while I was over there in Norway. That should have been the end of it right there. But, no, the lying, stinking, fake media had to keep reporting about it so that Mueller wouldn’t ejaculate me.
Anyway, Mitch has assured me they won’t be passing any of these wasteful, stupid bills. He knows that if he does, I won’t be shoving any more people back in all the clean coal mines I have been digging for them in Mississippi or Alabama or Tennessee or wherever the hell he’s from. I love all the people down there. They do a great job of keeping order … if you know what I mean.
And speaking of you know what I mean, how about that Elijah Cummings, eh folks? He goes down to the border and tries to protect all that rotten scum that is flooding into our country to take all your clean coal jobs away. He must have forget the rodent-infested mess he lives in. What has he ever done for anybody? People said all I did was criticize women of color who deserved it. While I do enjoy that, I must admit, I hope people see now I will insult literally anybody who disagrees with me and deserves it.
My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, I marvel at the speed and fury in which you insult people who don’t look like you. It is really, really something.”
Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me.
Anyway, Cummings and his kind can just shut it or go back to where they came from. I’ve had enough of them.
Thanks to those people, all of a sudden I am getting cranky. It seems like my ejaculation has worn off. This is so, so unfair to me.
I think I better end this Very Important Letter now, so I don’t say anything I will regret.
Before I hit the golf course for some very, very well deserved time off, I will type about something that makes me very happy. I AM GETTING MY WALL BUILT!!!! Thanks to the Supreme Court which does literally everything I want them to do thanks to Brett, I am getting my wall built!!!
I’m SO excited!!!!!
I know what you’re saying, Mr. Trump is the most amazing president since Benjamin Franklin. He always gets his way. Well, I don’t blame you. And if you are worried about the fact the Pentagon is paying for the wall with your tax dollars don’t be. Once it’s finished Mexico will be writing us a check for everything, plus interest. I know, sensational, right?! You are welcome in advance for me doing this. It is the art of the deal. I am the Michael Angelo of deal makers.
I expect a shiny new wall will be up by the time I start my second term as your loving, supreme leader. You are welcome again for thanking me as you are reading this.
OK, I am feeling better again and like I have just been ejaculated all over again. So I am going to end this Very Important Letter. Remember your love for me is very, very important to me, but nothing says love like money. So you can contribute to my sensational campaign here.
Thank you again for loving me, and may God bless you restless patriots.
-Donald J. Trump