(EDITOR’S NOTE: The following is a transcript of what a call last July between President Donald J. Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy most likely sounded like. Trump is in hot water yet again, for making what appears to be treasonous overtures to a foreign power. Democrats have indicated they will spend the next 33 months deciding on what action they plan to take, if any.)
<background voice>: “You are connected, Fuhrer.”
Donald Trump: “Thank you, Stephen.
<Background voice>: “Ya, Fuhrer.”
Trump: “Hello? Hello, Vlad?”
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy: “This not, Vlad. I bet you not glad. Will be best call you ever had! But you can see I am very, how do you say in America, funny, no?”
Trump: “Ummm, sorry, I get all you Russians confused. You’re the seventh or eighth one I have talked to today. And I heard you were a comedian before they elected you the governor of Ukraine. People have no sense of humor there, I guess. Speaking of which, either do I. I never laugh, OK? Let’s get that straight right now. All humor is wasted on me, so don’t try it. I am an ironic businessman, who builds fabulous empires.”
Zelenskiy: “OK, OK! Geesh, man. You seem very agitated, Mr. Trump. And I not governor, like you I am president. Ukraine separate from Russia.”
Trump: “Yeah, sure it is. And yer no president, pal, OK? There can be only one president at a time in the world and for the next 12 years or 16 years it’s going to me, got it?”
Zelenskiy: ” <loud sigh> “OK, OK, Forever President Trump. And let me say it amazing you still president after all I read about. We marvel over here, that nobody throw you out yet. Very impressive.”
Trump: “Thank you. I do whatever I want because everybody knows I know what’s good for me and America.”
Zelenskiy: “We thought after Democrats win last year, things change, but America still open for business with Forever Trump in charge!”
Trump: “Of course it is. Democrats are terrified of me. And the Republicans? Ha!”
Zelenskiy: “So why you call?”
Trump: “Rudy told me I should ring you just as soon as possible.”
Zelenskiy: “Rudy? Who Rudy.”
Trump: “Rudy Giuliani, dammit. He’s one of my 225 attorneys. Bald guy? Big teeth? Speaks with a lisp?”
Zelenskiy: “Ohhhh, Rudy! I know him. Real character. Big balloon eyes. Yes, teeth like horse. For a fat guy he can sure run. Made several moves on my secretary, but she too quick. I been chasing her for three weeks now. No luck. And I strong like bull.”
Trump: “Huh. Maybe you are my kind of guy after all …”
Zelenskiy: “You still date Ivanka?’
Trump: “Ivanka’s my daughter, pal.”
Zelenskiy: “I thought other one, Melania was daughter, no?”
Trump: “No she’s my wife. Ivanka is my daughter.”
Zelenskiy: “And Marla is mother?”
Trump: “The only thing I am sure of is if we keep this up, we won’t have a deal, governor.”
Zelenskiy: “Deal? But you call me, Forever Trump. I no call you. What deal?”
Trump: “Rudy didn’t bring anything to you???”
Zelenskiy: “Ahhh, yes, yes. Actually, Rudy stronger than he look. That briefcase full of money had to weigh 50 kilograms!!”
Trump: “Fifty what?!”
Zelenskiy: “Kilograms, Forever Trump.”
Trump: “Two things. I don’t laugh and I don’t do drugs, OK. Never <sniff> touch the things. Let’s <sniff> get that straight. I don’t know what a kilo is <sniff>. Never heard the word, OK?”
Zelenskiy: “Of course, of course, President Forever. A man like you never laughs and never do drugs. OK …”
Trump: “Listen to me, don’t be a wiseguy, and knock it off with the forever crap, or I’ll let Vlad know about you. He said I shouldn’t take any crap from you and what he says goes, got it? I’m in enough hot water with him, and don’t need any problems with one of his governors.”
Zelenskiy: “<sigh> I no work for Vlad. So you want nothing from me …?”
Trump: “I want you to do something for me, but I thought Rudy had made that clear.”
Zelenskiy: “Rudy made clear he, how do you say, horny? He also no like your vice president very much.”
Trump: “Pence? He doesn’t like Pence? Why, that two-timing son of a bitch. <Trump hollering, “Get in here, Stephen!”>”
<background> “Ya, Fuhrer.”
Zelenskiy: “Who’s that? This call supposed to be private.”
Trump: “It’s OK, it’s only Stephen Miller, my private aid.”
Zelenskiy: “You mean the Nazi?”
Trump: “Yeah, that’s him.”
Trump: “Stephen, look into this business of Rudy bad-mouthing Mike. He’s got a bad habit of running his mouth behind my back. Especially after he’s had too much to drink.
Miller: “Ya, fuhrer.
Zelenskiy: “Gentlemen, gentlemen, I was talking about Vice President Biden, not Pence.”
Trump: “Ah. Well, you should have said that in the first place, governor. OK, you can go back in the closet, Stephen.”
Miller: “Ya, Fuhrer.”
Zelenskiy: “You still there, President Forever?”
Trump <clearly agitated>: “Yes, yes, I am here and I want all the dirt you have on Biden and his creepy son. And listen, funny guy, quit playing games with me. I have a big, beautiful army and I am their gigantic general. I have spectacular ships and airplanes and guns and bombs that can I blowup anywhere. I could crush your little, two-bit country in three seconds if I wanted to.”
Zelenskiy: “OK! OK! Calm down … relax. I am sure we can do business …”
Trump: “That’s better, dammit. Now, maybe I make you an offer you can’t refuse.”
Zelenskiy: “That Godfather! I love, love, love that movie! Al Pacino so how do you say, ruthless.”
Trump: “I don’t know what yer talkin’ about. Never saw the movie.”
Zelenskiy: “<audible sigh> Of course not …”
Trump: “Listen, I can give you say, 50 tanks, 20 airplanes, 425 bombs and 50 cases of that vodka you Russians like so much for some Grade A dirt on Biden and his lousy son. I need to sink his candidacy just as soon as possible.”
Zelenskiy: “Sorry, Mr. Forever President Trump, like I tell Rudy we don’t have anything on Vice President Biden or lousy son.”
Trump: “What??? OK, OK, gonna play hardball, eh? Well, let’s make it 100 tanks and 50 kilos of that drug that shall go nameless.”
Zelenskiy: “We have nothing on Biden, Forever Trump. But we do have loads and loads of stuff on Manafort! Now, he was dirtier than Russian farm wife.”
Trump <screaming>: “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING ON MANAFORT!!!!!”
Zelenskiy: <sigh>
Trump: “OK, last offer before I hang up and call Vlad to report on this conversation. One hundred tanks, 1,000 bombs, 50 cases of vodka, 100 kilos of you-know-what, and 25 airplanes. Think long and hard before answering.”
Zelenskiy: “OK, OK, deal. I see if I can’t make something up about Biden. Maybe there’s something.”
Trump: “Now we’re talking. Let’s plan on scheduling a regular call. Hold the line and I’ll have Stephen work out something with your secretary.
Zelenskiy: “He never catch her.”
Trump: “What???”
Zelenskiy: <sighs>: Never mind …”
