THE WHITE HOUSE
Friday, December 20, 2019, 3:14 a.m.
Before heading home to Mar-a-Lago to take a break from all the very, very unfair and awful things I have been watching on TV about myself lately, I wanted to write you a Very Important Christmas Letter.
That’s what I WANTED to do … but thanks to some fake Christian news story in a fake Christian newspaper that Stephen Miller read to me last night while I was busy and hard at work watching Sean’s show, I will use my extremely important time to do what I do best: defend myself.
You are welcome in advance for me using up my extremely important time to defend myself when I should be shopping for Christmas presents and eating sparkled cookies and lying around the house watching nice things on TV like you are. So again, you are welcome for not taking my very important time for granted.
America, let me tell you that today I feel like Jesus right after Bluto stabbed Pancho Pilot, and Spartacus tried to rescue him before everybody hung him on that cross. THAT is how unfair this awful criticism of me is in this disgusting Christian newspaper.
As you know, when you read the Bible every night like I do, those were very, very trying times, folks. It wasn’t easy being Jesus. He’d walk around and give terrific speeches all over the place like I do. Oh sure, he didn’t draw the crowds I do, but people loved him and prayed for him anyway.
Just like now, nobody was really getting along during those horrible times mostly because of partisan bickering between the Christians and the Jews. Oh sure, there were other issues, too, like lack of water, so people had to wander around the desert a lot and complain all the time. Sometimes they’d find an oasis where their camels and children could get a drink, but like our cities today those oasis’s were too crowded with different kinds of awful colored people with differing opinions about everything. So the regular people would just go back into the middle of the desert where there was no water and do all their complaining about all the unfair things that were going on in the oasis.
I want you to think about that, folks.
Well, thanks to me, we have plenty of water in this country. There is so much water, people get flooded out of their houses sometimes and they still aren’t thankful. And even though there is all that water, it still just drips out of their faucets very slowly — not quickly — because of the stupid, no-good awful liberals, who refuse to acknowledge all the water I have given them. It makes no sense to me. Even their toilets don’t flush right and I know about toilets that flush right, believe me.
But I distress …
This awful, rotten, disgusting story in this stupid, pathetic “Christian newspaper” isn’t worth the ink it was printed on and it is extremely important I tell you why, and why I will continue to rightfully get the love and support from all the Christians thanks for my undying love and understanding of them.
Like Jesus, I have my long, elegant, manly fingers firmly on the pulse of America and know what makes Christians, especially those Evangelicals tick, OK?
You doubt me?
Try this:
- For one thing, I rightfully attacked an awful Gold Star family who never let the wife talk and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- For another, I rightfully attacked a mentally retarded member of the lying, fake, gross, disgusting media and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I rightfully attacked our rat-infested cities and the lazy, colored people who live in them and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I asked Russia to go after crooked Hillary before the elections and thanked Vlad in Helsinki, Norway for it and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I have rightfully many, many times called blacks lazy and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I have undocumented workers slaving away for me at my fabulous properties and do you think Evangelical Christians care? NO!
- I can’t tell you how many women I have attacked for being fat, having blood come out of their (eyes) and how many others I have nicely grabbed by their pussies and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I rightfully called idiot soldiers and sailors who were captured in war worthless and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I have never said anything bad about Nazis and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- I have separated dirty children from their rotten, brown mothers and stuck them in cages, and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
- Why, just the other night I said that some dead, lying politician in Michigan was in hell and do you think Evangelical Christians cared? NO!
Look, folks, I could go on and on but I think like great presidents who have come before me like Lincoln and Franklin and Washington I have more than made my point.
If you think Evangelical Christians will stop backing me, I have a casino to sell you. If they lost me they’d be stuck with Pence, who’s not half the Christian I am. Do you think for one minute he’d call out all the awful people in America who don’t support hardworking white people and Christians? Of course, he wouldn’t. Pence is a baby. Very loyal. But a baby. Without me, Evangelical Christians are nothing. Through. Done.
Before flying to Mar-a-Lago to get way from my TV for a few days, I’d like to end with a prayer that Moses told Jesus after he a bad day talking to a bunch of fishermen whose boats sank:
“Oh, ye, Jesus, think not of those miserable lives that are not worth saving, for thine needs ye strength to walk through the desert and away from sunken boats to thine fields of bahhing sheep. For it is in these fields where thou sheep will follow thee literally no matter what. For ye sheep know only thine selves and are easily led. Talk to them. Scream at them if necessary. Remind them of the awful, miserable lives of those who have nothing and tell them that without you, they too, will be miserable in front of our lord. Tell them that you offer them gold and frankencents and mirth, but only if they follow thee no matter what. Now go, my son, and be with ye sheep. There is safety in numbers.”
<sniffle>
That one always gets to me, folks.
Well, as you can imagine, I feel better now.
I suggest you do, too.
May the lord be with you,
Donald J. Trump
