(EDITOR’S NOTE: We have a very good idea of what went on in a high-level meeting following Donald J. Trump’s press conference Thursday when he asserted that injecting disinfectants, drinking bleach, and letting the sun burn away COVID-19 could save people, but more importantly, his presidency. The following is a transcript of what almost certainly was discussed during that meeting, in which sarcasm is alleged to have broken out …)
Donald Trump: Thank you for attending this emergency meeting to deal with the fallout of Dr. Debbie Downer’s comments during my just-completed, through-the-roof, ratings-bonanza press briefing this afternoon.
Dr. Deborah Birx: Wait? What?
Trump: Are you going to dispute to me that you didn’t dispute me on the disputed information about bleach and disinfectants being used to cure indisputably thousands and millions of people from the Chinese Virus that is currently being disputed in the lying, awful disgusting media right now? They are trying very had to make me look very bad but it was obviously your fault.
Birx: Ummm … Why no, but wait… I mean … I will, um, shade the truth for you, um, from time to time, but I…
Trump interrupts: Good. I actually thought I did a very good job defending you by saying I was just being sarcastic, which I do all the time because I might be the most sarcastic, smart, witty person on the planet. Everybody tells me all the time I am the most sarcastic person that they have ever met. They always say, “Wow! I hope you were just being sarcastic when you said that, Mr. President …”
And it turns I was ! I was! I am sarcastic all the time!!
Birx: Um, you are being sarcastic right now, aren’t you, sir?
Stephen Miller: Stop it! I don’t trust her, Fuhrer. She’s always nodding her head ‘ya’ even though I think she means ‘nine.’
Trump: Don’t start with the German today, sonny. I’m in no mood. We must do what we can to get the pressure off Debbie, whose credibility is almost as high as mine right now. It is vital she keeps her 97 percent approval rating with my Republicans.
Miller: Ya, er, yes, Fuhrer. Apologies.
Trump: That’s OK, now please get back to working up some talking points from your Department of Negative Racist Relationship affairs. It is absolutely key that we are able to blame some country or some group of colored people for something, or even anything, at a moment’s notice. China’s negatives are very high right now, almost as high as Sleepy Joe’s and that is tremendously, tremendously important. But that will wear off and we will need to be ready to blame somebody else. The possibilities are endless.
Miller: Ya, Fuhrer. YA! Er, yes.
Trump: That’s a good boy. Also, after this meeting’s over, make sure somebody has cleaned out and fired up the White House nuclear-powered hot tub. I could have sworn Melania winked at me this morning while we were sharing a couch and an extra-large bag of Micky D’s and watching Fox and Friends walk back Debbie’s Clorox and disinfectant remarks. It’s hard to be sure, though, because after her kidney surgery she hasn’t been able to blink her eyes. She just stares at me like a shark. It freaks me out, I’ll be honest. I hate sharks they scare the hell out of me. I should have never OK’d that kidney surgery. And I wouldn’t have if I knew she was going to turn into a shark with big kidneys. But I like her kidneys … Ah, well, if nothing else Ivanka is always happy to stand in as my tub-buddy. Boy, she can really heat up a hot tub that one. That long neck, soft hair, big kidneys … That Jared’s a very, very, very lucky fella, let me tell you. Wonder if he’s figured out her secret spot yet …
Jared Kushner: <murmurs for 14 seconds>
Trump: Well, of course you are, boy. Sorry, forget I invited you to this meeting. Such a quiet boy. Take no offense. I mean all that as a compliment as you know. I would have married her in heartbeat if she wasn’t my daughter. I think this is why I am so popular in West Virginia. But I detest, let’s move on …
<13 seconds of stunned silence>
Trump: That’s a joke, Debbie! A joke! And I bet you could really heat up a hot tub about 30 years ago — maybe 40. You could have put that scarf on in just the right places — if you know what I mean. Innocent but threatening at the same time. Vulnerable but attacking … and attacking … and attacking … and attacking …
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop! STOP!!!!!!
Trump: Who was that?
Fauci: Me, Tony!!
Trump: Where?
Fauci: Here!!
Trump: Where???
Fauci: Down here, goddammit. Here! Do we have to play this stupid little game of overcompensation every time we have one of these meetings???
Trump: Ah well, you know my compensation skills are very high, doc. Off the charts. All the teachers talked about my incredibly, terrific overcompensation skills in my boarding schools. They’d say, “Well, he’s a tall enough kid and yet he still overcompensates.” Well, some guys have all the luck I guess. I didn’t have to try very hard to overcompensate, it just came to me very naturally. It was just incredible.
Fauci under his breath: Holy shit, it’s always somehow way worse than I thought …
Miller: I heard that! I heard that!!!! Apologize to der Fuhrer!!
Fauci: Can you turn off mini-Himmler over here for a minute so we can wrap this meeting up?
Trump: Well, what you said there was pretty mean and not very nice. The Chinese Democratic Hoax Virus is not better or worse than I thought it would be back in January when I really didn’t think very much about it to be honest with you.
<Room falls silent>
Fauci: Didn’t think very much about it?
Trump: Well no, I had other things on my mind for crying out loud. You want me to think of everything? That was your job, and Debbie’s. And those pencil-pushers in the Office of Horrible Diseases. And the WHO. And the blacks. And the Mexicans. And the governors. And the mayors. And everybody living in those shithole countries. What the hell were they doing in January???? I take no responsibility for any of this. I’m busy holding terrific rallies and making America great and they can’t keep track of a stupid disease that everybody else can plainly see is killing thousands?????
Miller: Easy, Fuhrer. Your huge, blue vein is popping out of your masculine, sexy, Aryan forehead.
Trump: Thank you, Stephen. This all makes me very angry. How could this disease do this to me???? I was ready to win in a landslide in November. Everybody loved me. Even the people who didn’t love me loved me. It’s so unfair. So, so unfair.
Fauci under his breath: Maybe you should take a shot of Clorox, ya bozo.
Trump and Miller scream in unison: WHAT WAS THAT??????
Fauci: Nothing. Nothing … I was just being sarcastic.
