THE WHITE HOUSE
Friday, November 1, 2019, 8;43 a.m.
Hi everybody! It’s me, Ivanka!!
While he is wrapped up battling the meanie-weanie Democrats who want him impeached for protecting America from Vice President Joe Biden and his scandalous family, Daddy asked his favorite daughter to write this Very Important Letter for him! Sorry, Eric!! Tehehehe … LOL! I kid because I care, Eri-bearie! Now don’t go being a grumpy-puss …
Oh, I’m so excited today!!! It’s like there are bubbles floating around inside my little, blonde, perfect head! I am really, really honored to try to write one of these incredible letters that daddy has been selflessly writing to you since the start of his historic presidency. I am not sure I can write like a man, but I’ll give it my best shot! LOL!
I know I might be super-pretty in a quiet, casually beautiful sort of way, but I have my tough side, too, America! Just ask the Nepalese women who are lucky enough to work in the candlelight producing my Ivanka Trump Endangered Species line of winter apparel. Why just today we are making our signature Monterrey Otter-Skinned Scarves available to you for FREE with any order of over $10,000!! But act quickly! LOL!
Thanks to daddy and his Grand Old Party signing rules that will allow you to shoot any scary animal with any kind of gun you want, I can provide you with the finest in handbags, belts and stilettos.
And fyi … the holidays are just around the corner, men, so if you are looking for something that will keep your little lady warm while she is carting your kids to the Hunt Club and back, I know just the thing! Ho-ho-ho!
But enough about our crazy lives! LOL!
You know, when I found out daddy wanted me to write this letter I was inspired to carefully write a history-changing tweet yesterday comparing daddy to President Thomas Jefferson! Your feedback was so positive, it made me want to sing! My golly, they really, really are so, so alike! And smart!! And tall!!! And thin!!!! I know I shouldn’t go there, but ladies, don’t you just love, love, LOVE tall, thin men?! Oh LOL, LOL!!!! <petite-little-snort>
And have you noticed how tall and sexy all our Republican men are? #Swoon They are to die for! Donny Jr., Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, Vice President Pence (pitter-patter), Matt Gaetz (take my tiny, little breaths away) and of course, Jared!!! But he’s taken ladies!! LOL!! Even though I occasionally slide off his shoulders when I try to hug him, it is worth every second as I crash to the floor in sweet surrender. And let’s just say he makes up for having no shoulders in other important places, girlfriends. ROFL!!!
Oh my!! Now I am blushing like a tiny, cute, smooth, little, red candy apple! Now what have I got myself into?!?! Oh, dear me … I can get so distracted thinking about myself and how cute I can be! I don’t know WHERE I get it!! LOL!!! Oh, daddy, please forgive me. You know how much your snuggle-bear just loves to kid! Especially when we play “Find the Giggle Monster” at night in the Oval Office.
OK, deep breathes, Ivanka … You can DO this. Just thrust your abnormally perky chest out and think strong, positive thoughts and WRITE!!
There. I swear, even if it looks like I am a blonde, thin, perfect, long-necked swan on the outside, I can work myself up into such a ca-razy frenzy on the inside! LOL! I am not nearly as self-assured and rich and beautiful on the inside as you know me to be on the outside. Sometimes I am very empty on the inside, but most of the time my brain is full of rainbows. I hope this admission will let you feel better and more empowered about yourself and your average lives than you were when you started reading this Very Important Letter.
I want to make sure I put my pretty, petite, little fist down and say the Democrats were wrong, wrong, wrong for voting to impeach daddy yesterday. Why, he has never knowingly done anything bad in his life. Everything he does is to make his life better. Because he knows if his life is better, everybody else around him will be happier.
We always knew growing up that when he was a grumpy-puss, daddy would go away for days at a time with Uncle Jeffrey. But he’d always come home with loads of gifts for all my mothers and then we’d all be happy again. Those were such fun, simple times.
And daddy was the BEST father!! I remember one day I was sitting in the shower at his Squash Club playing with one of my dolls when daddy grabbed my Beach Girl Barbie, ripped all her clothes off and said, “Ivanka, when you are older it is important you look just like this, and I think you will, baby.”
Well, as you can imagine, that meant the world to me, and I don’t think I have let daddy down in that regard, do you?!?!. I think that is why I am his favorite. LOL, LOL! I know what you’re thinking, Donny-boo, but I’ve got nicer legs than you do! ROFL!!!!
Now where was I …
Oh, it has been very hard on me hearing everybody say that daddy doesn’t like colored people. I could just sca-ream! Actually he loves them, and knows they have their place in society, and all he wants is to help them find it.
I remember one time, he saved all the people from one of the apartments he owned in our rat-infested city. The mayor said the apartment was a fire trap, so daddy had them removed and trucked up to a farm in Upstate New York. And he didn’t have to! He could have just let them burn in their apartments. Does that sound like somebody who doesn’t care to you?
Look, I have shared a bedroom with daddy since I was 8 and I can abso-tutely tell you that he treated the help the very same way as he treated the regular people. To this day, thousands of them are employed at Trump properties around the world. They all love daddy and would do anything for him. Why else would they cook and clean and mow his lawns and clean his pools and take care of his golf courses if they didn’t love him??
See what I mean?
Well, my long, slender, perfectly manicured fingers are a bit tired from all this typing, so I think I better end this Very Important Letter. Besides, I am planning a special dinner for daddy tomorrow night after he gets off the golf course. Even though it looks like he is having a very easy time of things, I can tell he is getting a little stressed out. And now that Uncle Jeffrey is dead, getting away and unwinding isn’t as easy as it used to be.
Thank you for reading and for all your support for my perfect family. Without you, there would be nobody to look up to us, so please, please, please know we appreciate it!! And when in doubt? Shop!!! LOL, LOL, LOL!!!!
With Unicorn Love,
Ivanka
