EXCLUSIVE: What the Meeting that Hatched TRUTH Social Sounded Like

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks to a person who was most likely in a position to know, what follows is a transcript from a secret meeting this past weekend at the Incredibly Golden Meeting Room at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida. Plans for Trump’s new social media platform TRUTH Social were discussed. The conversation follows …)

DONALD TRUMP: I just want to thank everybody for attending this incredibly important meeting about how I plan to take over social media with a brand new, tremendous company that will eat those rotten son of a bitches at Facebook and Twitter alive.

<A loud snort is heard in the room>

TRUMP: Who was that?????? Who snorted after my incredibly beautiful opening statement??????

STEPHEN MILLER: I will find them, Fuhrer. Then I will eliminate them in the most heinous means possible. Nobody insults my mine dear Fuhrer like that!

TRUMP: Easy, Stephen. Maybe somebody just has some terrifically bad allergies. But it better not happen again.

MILLER: Ya, Fuhrer.

ERIC TRUMP: I have to go potty, dad.

TRUMP: Potty??? We just sat down!

ERIC TRUMP: Yeah. One of the member’s kids had an all-you-can-drink lemonade stand set up in front of his condo, so I wanted to teach her a lesson that you don’t pull that crap unless you are gonna cut the family in. I showed her. Drank four gallons of her crappy lemonade for $3.

TRUMP: Jesus. Go ahead, but get back here as a quick as you can. And wash those grubby hands when yer done.

ERIC TRUMP: Done what?


IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for 36 seconds>

TRUMP: Well, I know that, bumble bee. It’s just that the kid isn’t right. Never has been. Hard to believe he even came from me. Maybe he didn’t. I wish he didn’t. He couldn’t have …

IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for seven seconds>

TRUMP: OK, OK, yer right, smoke-thumper. There are bigger fish to fry. And let me just say your legs look endlessly delicious today. I could drive right up ’em and get lost for hours …

STEVE BANNON INTERRUPTS: Er, sir, maybe we should talk about this grand platform you will be rolling out to control all messaging around the world for everything?

TRUMP: Right, right … Just got distracted there a little. Why I didn’t marry that girl I never understand …

BANNON: Because she’s yer daughter, sir?

TRUMP: Oh yeah … that’s right … Damn. Anyway, yes, thanks to my expert collaboration with important, brilliant people who live outside Silicon Valley, we were able to come to an agreement to launch a brand new, beautiful high-end app in which I can get my incredibly, terrific messaging out to everybody, so they can easily send me money at anytime during the day.

DONALD TRUMP JR. <sniffing>: What’ll it be named, dad?

TRUMP: TRUMP Social!!!

BANNON: Er, that’s TRUTH Social, sir. TRUTH Social …

TRUMP: Ah. Yeah. Right … Truth social, Trump social … Same thing.

<Another loud snort is heard in the room>

TRUMP: OK, who did that?????? Come clean???? Who’s snorting at all my amazing ideas???

MILLER: It is time to administer my new truth-telling ointment to all participants in this room, Fuhrer. By simply rubbing this oily, creamy substance on a person’s rectum we can know immediately who the traitor is in the room. If their rectum turns purple, we’ve got them! I have been experimenting with this for years now, and with many rectums, and am now ready to take it to mass market. It works like a charm. Can I begin the procedure now with everybody’s rectum, Fuhrer? We will find the traitor! And it will be fun!

<Room goes completely silent for 42 seconds>

<I mean, you can literally hear a pin drop>

TRUMP: Er, ummm … Thank you, Stephen. Umm, let’s hold off on this for now. I think there is some pollen in the room or something and it is causing people to snort. But, ummm, thank you … Now where were we?

BANNON: You were going to tell us about TRUTH Social, sir. About how these communication tactics were used by the Nazis as they began slow-rolling through Europe in the 1930s on their way toward their global dominance, before blowing it at the end by being too nice … You can never be nice. I think we’ve learned that after the 2020 campaign. We should have let the virus kill as many people as possible.

TRUMP: I thought that’s what we were doing???

BANNON: It was still a missed opportunity, sir. We could have pushed Lysol a little harder. I know you did your best, but, and excuse me for saying this, you weren’t quite convincing enough. I blame the scarf lady.

TRUMP: Yeah, she ended up being a major disappointment. She was pretty hot for an old broad, too. I had faith I could make her see things my way, if you know what I mean …

IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for 11 seconds>

BANNON: What is she is saying??? Can anybody else hear her?

TRUMP: I can, fire face. And if you interrupt her again, I’ll turn Stephen on you with his cream.

MILLER: YA! YA! YA! There is nothing more exciting than rectum cream. Can I start now, Fuhrer??!!!!

BANNON: Keep that thing away from me … Look, I’m sorry, sir. I am sure Ivanka is imparting some crucial information that only you are privy to.

TRUMP: That’s better. Now can you repeat that, cuddle-thumper?

IVANKA TRUMP: <Coos inaudibly for 46 seconds>

TRUMP: You think Bezos will go for it? We’ve had some falling out in recent years. I know Rupert would be in. Besides he owes me after giving Arizona to Lying Biden.

BANNON: What’s the plan?

TRUMP: We’ll launch a Trump Truth Satellite into space on one of Bezo’s rockets! For only $49 a month, people will get live Trump Truth continually beamed to their phones. The more Trump Truth the more money! Brilliant, Ivanka! Just brilliant!!! Why, I could crawl right up yer …

<Door slams>

<Eric returns …>

ERIC: Well, I feel better! Hey, what’s this creamy stuff?! Can you eat it??? I’m gonna give it a try!!!!!


Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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