THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, August 4, 2018, 8:22 a.m.
Dear America The Oh So, So, So Beautiful:
Hi, everybody, it’s Ivanka! I just want to thank daddy for letting me write his Weekly Very Important Letter to you on behalf of him and his delightful, very shimmering White House. The poor guy is busy ducking in a well-deserved round of golf today at one of the publicly exclusive golf resorts we manage for the benefit of all of you, the American people. I’m sure you can understand it is important for him to get out on these golf courses to meet real Americans. Plus, the exercise helps him stay fit, trim and incredibly handsome (don’t ya think, ladies? LOL!).
I want to use this lovely, sparkly platform to clear up a few issues on behalf of daddy and my brand which recently expanded to Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, North Korea, Haiti, and Russia. We will be keeping plenty of women and children busy in these lovely places and employed at the beautiful factories we are building for their benefit. And, of course, they will all be powered from the coal you are digging out of our pristine, upscale, hillside mines in Appalachia. You really are making America great again and I am sure my fall fashion line will reflect that. Our paisley, open-toe combat boots will really dress up that certain special somebody in your joyous lives. LOL!
The first issue I want to delve into is daddy’s relationship with the Nazis and White Supremacists. Because he has cultivated these nourishing relationships for such a long time, he knows what he’s doing. That is also why he put our race-relations specialist, Stephen Miller, in charge of these important friendships. No White House has ever done this. And I know I shouldn’t type this because it gets Jared a little red around his darling, soft, white, piggly-wiggly ears, but there is something very sexy about Stephen, don’t you think, gals? LOL! He is so rugged and devilishly mean. I guess he just reminds me of my father. As we know, all little girls are attracted to men who are like their fathers, right ladies! Oh, I make myself softly snicker …
I hope that clears up why Nazis and White Supremacists need our love, too. Now I want to talk about these lovely, little children Jeff Sessions stuck in those cages. I’ll just say, that generally speaking, no child belongs in a cage. But what is done, is done, and we all need to move past this, which thankfully, I think we have. There are so many more important issues we should be dealing with to make America great again like property values in places like Westchester County, Staten Island and Moscow. Jared is helping daddy stabilize the real estate markets in these places that were hit hard by the last administration. These men and their work. They never stop!
I also want to thank the ACLU for finally stepping in and doing their jobs placing these children back with their mothers and fathers. This really shouldn’t be a hard thing to do, which is why we didn’t bother addressing it. There are so many more pressing things to do like go after our endangered species so that they don’t endanger our good, little real American boys and girls in places like North Dakota who deserve to play outside without worrying if a polar bear is going to maul them. I am sure all of us can agree on that, right everybody?!?!
Now I want to talk about Russia. I can tell you for sure that daddy is not a traitor and loves this country very, very much. Nobody has more lovely American flags adorning everything around him like daddy does. He even has an American flag poking out of the eye of a giraffe Donny Jr. bravely shot and hung on the wall of daddy’s personal, 3,000-square-foot locker room at Trump National Public Golf Course. These men and their games! LOL! Daddy is a gigantic patriot and would never do anything to harm a country he served so bravely and has made him billions. My gracious, why would he, silly gooses?! I just wish Mr. Mueller would stop with all of this investigating and witch-hunting and let daddy concentrate on something besides himself for once in his life.
And the meanies in the media aren’t helping. They used to be so nice to me and my family. Daddy had a publicist named John Miller who used to get such good press for him! Daddy was always bragging about Mr. Miller and how smart he was and how he could have been the son he never had. And, oh my, I just realized his name is Miller, too! All of these wonderful Millers! Isn’t life just so grand?! I wonder if Stephen and John are related? Isn’t it just a hoot? LOL! LOL!
It make me sad that the media just reports things about daddy that aren’t ever true. Such imaginations they have! Do they really think daddy asked for Russia’s help in the election to hurt Mrs. Clinton?! Do they really think daddy made fun of disabled people?! Do they really believe that daddy said he’d shoot somebody in the middle of a street to prove a point?! Do they really believe that daddy would make fun of fat women?! Do they really believe that daddy thinks people need ID to buy groceries?! Do they really think daddy called African countries sh*tholes?! Do they really believe daddy said Mexico should pay for the wall?! Do they really believe he knew about Donny Jr.’s meeting with the Russians to adopt children?! Do they really believe that he said Mr. Obama was bugging his phones?! Do they really believe he loves Russia and North Korea and hates Great Britain and Germany?! Do they really believe he thinks he won in a landslide?!
I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. He might not be perfect but he is the best daddy in the world and I think we are very lucky to have him looking after all of us. You might even say he is our sugar daddy! Oh, sometimes I softly snort at myself when I say funnies. LOL!
So, thank you for reading this Very Important Substitute Letter and God bless this country and its amber waves of graves.