THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, June 2, 2018, 6:56 a.m.
Dear Americans Who Understand How Hard I Work,
First, I just want to say thank you to myself for another record-breaking week. So thank you, me. I have now had more great, terrific weeks than any other president in history including Benjamin Franklin, and he invented lightning with a kite, so that’s pretty terrific. Think about that, folks, think about that … and then thank yourself for thanking me. You deserve it. I have gotten A-LOT done, and I am only going to do more things — terrific, terrific, great, spectacular things. So many things I can’t even count them anymore. And I tried, believe me …
That said, and speaking of terrific things, I have several important things I want to get to in this Very Important Letter this week, which by the way, I am typing from historic, fabulous Camp David. They have so many things to do here. Unfortunately there is not a golf course, so I will have to sacrifice my weekend for work, which when you think about it is so, so unfair given all I have already done.
Many, many people don’t know this but Camp David was named after the tiny Jewish midget who took down the evil monster Goliath with his slingshot right after Christ was born. I learned this from my favorite Christian, Franklin Graham, who is a great guy … terrific guy … and is working hard to get me re-elected. Anyway, this is one of my favorite bible stories. Nobody gave the midget a chance, just like when I was running against Crooked Hillary. But I didn’t need a slingshot. I didn’t need anything but my enormous brain and the incredible stability to say all the best words all the time. Like I am doing rite now. People herd me speak and said, sign me up! People herd Crooked Hillary speak and said, it’s incredible she ever … Never mind. I am not going to type what I am thinking. But you know what I am thinking, folks. That’s why you love me so much, because it is so easy to read my mind. You’re welcome for that, too.
And speaking of thinking, I want to talk about why people think they can be so, so mean to me all the time. It is very hurtful to me and extinguishes the position of the president. They are just jealous that I beat that awful, disgusting Miss Piggy, Crooked Hillary, in the election. She’s such a LOS-ER, I bet she still can’t satisfy her husband, folks! These libtard snowflakes will never get over that. NEV-ER … And then low-rent, no-ratings Samantha Bee (and have you seen her face, folks? I mean, look at that face!!) called my dear, sweet, lovable, beautiful, sexy, red-hot, luscious Ivanka the C-word! The C-word!! Who uses this kind of vile and viscous and disgusting language??
It makes me sick. If I ever heard anybody talking like that about any woman, I would use the combat skills I learned during summer camp at the Yacht Club waiting to ship out to Vietnam to battle the commies. I was known as a real warrior on the mean streets of that place and all the kids were completely terrified of me. Some people called me a loner, but I liked it that way. I know all the girls loved me, though. I was the dark, mysterious dangerous type. But not that dark, folks. Not that dark, OK? I wasn’t one of those. They weren’t allowed at the Yacht Club. Well, I mean they could work there, but that’s it. Anyway, I depress … The point is all the girls wanted me, but I didn’t want them because for some reason all of them looked like dogs, which was so, so unfair to me.
My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time that summer, “Donny, I’ve never seen a kid more miserable and satisfied to be completely alone in this world as you.” Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me.
I also want to talk about the wasteful, awful, lying, disgusting Russia investigation. This is what happened: There were 13 Democrats who colluded with Hillary and Russia to throw the election in her favor, but thanks to Donny Jr. they were unable to. When he went to adopt those kids from the Russians in Trump Tower, he noticed they didn’t bring any kids along and got suspicious. So he called Hope Hicks on the plane when I was about to go to The Overseas and told her to tell me that they didn’t bring any kids along and I was not going to be a grandfather. Of course I was very, very sad about this because who wouldn’t be? He also said the Russians were working with Hillary to throw the election. I told Hope to tell Donny Jr. to call Michael Cohen and he would know what to do about it — uh, if you know what I mean. And I’m sure you do, folks.
That’s it. The end. I don’t want to hear anything more about this. It has taken enough of everybody’s time. I hope to get this investigation shut down shortly. Rudy will be telling the coward Mueller this very, very soon I hope. And if I never hear another word out of Jeff Sessions it will be too soon. I can’t understand a word that comes out of his mouth anyway. The guy sounds like Forrest Gump with a 4-inch hair lip. He better just stay clear of me … and Michael Cohen, especially, if you know what I mean. As it is, I am having him stalked 24/7 by Stephen Miller. Go ahead, chew on that visual for a minute, folks. Imagine opening your closet and seeing Stephen Miller standing there …
I am done clowning around with Jeff. I thought because he was from Alabama I could count on him. No loyalty. I know a certain club down there, though …
I was also hoping I could tell you why I hate Mexico, Canada, Europe and Japan so much, but I am being told by General Kelly that I need go to my fantastically important meetings here at the camp. I am hoping that there will at least be a cookout later given I am not able to play golf. That would be the fair to thing to do for me after all I have done for everybody else. I also plan to read the gigantic, great letter the powerful King Jung-Uno wrote me. I mean, I read it already like I said to the lying, stinking, fake media in Rose’s Garden yesterday, but I want to read it again alone in my room. I know there are secret meanings to this letter that only I can figure out. Powerful leaders talk in code to each other. I’m sure you didn’t know that.
Finally, I also hope somebody finds Melania before Michael Cohen does … Er, if you know what I mean.
Donald J. Trump