In Extraordinary Easter Letter, Trump Berates Bullies, Tells Bible Stories

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in his powerful, Christian Easter letter Saturday, Donald Trump told stirring bible stories and scolded the “spoiled-rotten” kid who was not grateful after surviving a massacre. (Reuters photo)

THE WHITE HOUSE

Saturday, March 31, 2018, 4:52 a.m.

First, I just want to thank Jesus for making this holiday weekend possible …

I know it was a long time ago, but Jesus sacrificed a lot for everybody, folks.  And I am very, very appreciative of that even if I really don’t need anybody sacrificing things for me. I’m not greedy that way as you know. Everything I have, I got on my own without anybody sacrificing things for me. But if a guy wants to hang from a cross to give other people things, I support that and think it is really, really terrific. A little weird, but terrific. So enjoy what Jesus gave you. It’s the least you could do.

Lucky for me I don’t have to hang from a cross to give people things. I just give great speeches like the one I gave in Ohio this week on infrastructure and people adore me. I mean, I barely touched on infrastructure during my spectacular speech and it didn’t matter to anybody there. They just kept giving me applause and telling me how much they love me. I think this is how Jesus must have felt when he was walking around trying to recruit people to become Christians. He’d just talk and talk to them and they would sign up to his cause and start going to church just like that. I guess I had never thought of the similarities between me and Jesus before, but they are certainly there.

You know, my father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, nobody — I mean, nobody — thinks as much of himself as you do.”

Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me …

Anyhow, I am very thankful people adore me so much. I mean they should, but I am still thankful for it anyway, because that is just how I am. Every day I wake up and just start giving things away. The military will soon have more weapons and will be able to fight in more wars because of me, and thanks to my tax bill everybody has thousands and thousands of dollars to spend. I hope while you celebrate Jesus pushing the boulder away and flying up to heaven, that you think about how lucky you are to have a great Christian president like me leading you to the promised land, and not some extremist Muslim like Obama trying to take your guns away every day.

I love all of your guns almost as much as I love Jesus. And that’s a lot, folks — A LOT. I’m not sure anybody can love anything more. I feel very, very sorry for the NRA and how unfairly my extremely good buddy Lori Abraham was treated by a Christian-hating, snotty, spoiled-rotten punk of a kid. No wonder his name is Hog. I mean, this little puke comes close to getting massacred at school, and he is not even the least bit grateful he survived! Think about that! Instead, he is bullying a woman on Twitter. I mean, what kind of disgusting lowlife does that?!

It all just disgusts me so, so much. So, so much … It is especially hard on this holy weekend. I mean I am trying to turn the other cheek, folks, I really am, but it doesn’t want to turn. Both my cheeks are very stubborn sometimes and just won’t turn. I admit I have trouble turning my cheeks, which I think is something Jesus would say, too. When the Jews told him he was crazy to start Christianity, I think he was furious. And I don’t think he turned either one of his cheeks. He just kept on going, looking straight ahead and soon was running everything — I mean, until they hung him on the cross. If he had just turned his cheek everything probably would have been different. For one thing, we wouldn’t be celebrating this terrific holiday. So we need to keep that in mind while we are eating our ham and giving thanks to the Easter Bunny.

Before I hit the golf course for a well-deserved Easter Weekend round of golf, I want to tell you a bible story that I think applies to you:

After a bad lightning storm one day, Moses came down off the mountain he lived on to see his good friend, Jesus Christ. He handed Jesus a boulder and a crown of thorns, and said, “Jesus, you can either put the crown of thorns on your head, or you can throw this boulder at all the people who hate you. But you can never ever do both.” Then he climbed back up his mountain.

Well, for a long time Jesus walked around with that crown and that boulder thinking about what Moses said to him. The whole thing was making him very tired and angry. Finally, on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year, Jesus decided to put the boulder down and lifted the crown of thorns upon his head. Even if he was bleeding from his head, it still felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from him.

Think about that. In fact, I want you to think about this story all day long, folks, while I am on the golf course …

Happy Easter!

-Donald J. Trump

 

Written By

destephens

Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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