Angry Trump Uses Important Letter to Say Yer Welcome to Thankful Alabama

Because I have been busy guarding Alabama from hurricanes, striking fear into the Taliban, and dealing with the awful, no-nothing, Secretary of the Exteriors Michael Bolton, I have not written you a Very Important Letter in two weeks.

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Trump Reassures America that Mar-a-Lago Will be Safe From Hurricane

Many, many people have told me that blowing up hurricanes with nuclear bombs is a brilliant idea, and that they can’t believe I could possibly even come up with it. So in the future when we are blowing up hurricanes with nuclear bombs, you can remember who never said it first but could have if he wanted.

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Trump Rips Farm Animals, Touts Tariff-Winning Farmers in Very Important Letter

Anyway, while I was busy running away from all the animals, a farm girl tackled me from behind and gave me something I’ll never forget, even if I can’t remember what it was. Whatever it was, though, it made quite an impression and I haven’t been back to a farm since. I think about that girl often, and how fast she could run. She ran like a goddam race horse and packed quite a wallop.

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With Everything on the Line, This is No Time for a Very Nice but Average Joe

Hell, damn near everybody likes Joe. He’s like the friendly neighbor up the street who always keeps his yard clean, waves as you walk by and is a helluva Little League coach. I respect Joe. He has spent his life as a public servant and while he has been on the wrong end of some pretty consequential calls in my opinion, I never questioned his heart or love of this country.

Those last two qualities right there should have disqualified Trump four decades ago.

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Trump Blasts Mueller for Not Ejaculating him, Warns Pelosi in Very Important Letter

And listen, Americans, my God, Vlad assured me in Helsinki they had nothing to do with our elections. I told everybody this in a powerful speech I gave while I was over there in Norway. That should have been the end of it right there. But, no, the lying, stinking, fake media had to keep reporting about it so that Mueller wouldn’t ejaculate me.

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EXCLUSIVE: What a WH Meeting Aimed at Further Stoking a Racist Fire Looks Like

Ivanka: <11 seconds of inaudible murmuring, followed by a gasp.>
Trump: “Maybe later, sweetie. I just ate. Now where was I, before Dick so rudely interrupted me?”
Stephen Miller: “You were talking about making America greater and mightier and more powerful than it’s ever been, fuhrer!”

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Trump Touts Memory, Clean Water; Rips ‘Me-First’ Women in Very Important Letter

Now where was I …?
Oh yeah, I want to talk very quickly about the women’s soccer team and the girl with the pink hair who has tried to completely destroy my life and has been very, very mean and not very nice to me in public.

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When a Coastal Elite Walks Into a Bar and Trips Over Midwestern Values …

“I figured after eight years of peace and quiet, I’d give a white guy with big ideas a chance to get our voice back in the room,” he says. “Besides, as you well know, Hillary just couldn’t be trusted.”

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Trump Uses Very Important Letter to Discuss ‘Proportionate’ Battle Tactics

Come to think of it, I am even more proportionate than Abraham Lincoln, who let’s face it, folks, was a little over-proportionate when he sent Sherman tanks into Atlanta after the Civil War to burn it to the ground. That was not proportionate, OK? Sorry, Abe, just calling it like I see it.

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Trump Defends Kellyanne, Thanks Sarah, Warns Hicks in Very Important Letter

I also want to say right here and right now I will not be firing Kellyanne for hatching any acts. It’s her job to hatch acts!! She hatches things all the time around here and most of them are very clever.

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